Ironically, it was actually the adversity I faced when I first arrived in the US that, at first, made me more attached to my language. I remember just writing down the Chinese characters of my name just to kinda “show off” a bit, that I’m unique. I even learned the traditional characters to make it look “cooler”. I wrote it on my notebook covers and on assignments, right next to the “Pinyin name”. Even though I kinda forgot like basically all other characters (can read, can’t write, characters are hard, no time to practice lol).

I remember like sometime I’d write stuff in Pinyin for fun. Nobody in school can read it. Like a secret code.

Then over time, as I moved up in school, after I finally learned English. And also as you get older, kids tend to mature and are less racist. Then the scale shifts, suddenly, the emotional trauma I faced at home is worse than what I faced on the outside world. So now, even if I just hear a Cantonese song, that I actually like, and it still, it keeps remind me of my parents.

Like, you see. 99% of interactions in Cantonese are with my parents and older brother. they suck. so that feeling naturally is associated with the language.

For English, its only 50% bad, 50% good or at least “fine”, so I feel more negativity about Chinese languages. Even with Mandarin, which I don’t speak at home. I hear all their WeChat shit on loudspeakers. It reminds me of CCP. One Child Policy, I’m the 2nd child. So that’s why. So the Chinese languages are just “tainted” in my mind, subconsciously.

It’s complicated, hard to explain.

Yeah I’m trying to.

But like

除咗同屋企人之外，我唔識幾多人講廣東話。

喺美國呢度出世啲都唔係幾識講，或者識，但係唔係幾識（我都自己唔係識幾多粵語 volcabulary），所以淨係得講英語。

識講廣東話嘅人一般都係啲老一代嘅人。我冇可能同啲老嘢傾得都計，思想都唔一樣。

以前可以同我哥傾計，但係而家屋企關係已經係似戰場。

而家我用粵拼，其實一開都係我哥 introduce 呢個粵拼系統 to me.

所以我而家打緊字都一味諗起佢同我打攪嘅記憶。

我記得有一次我喺廣州嘅時候，佢打我，我怕道走出街。

我仲記得嗰日，自己一個人，8歲都未夠。好驚阿。

我都唔知點解最近先諗返起。A “repressed memory” maybe.

So… you know… it hard. I try to think about Hong Kong more, I think about resistance against the “當今皇帝” (if you know what I mean), resistance against the “朝廷”, I know, Cantonese symbolize that defiance…

but its hard, its hard to when 99% of conversations are with your abusers…

I think people that want to leave their country are probably from countries that are less developed in terms of like civics. Like Human Rights, democracy, equality, disability rights, open-minded ness. So these are generally more conservative.

The less developed the civics are, less less desirable it is to live there, thus the more desirable it it to leave that country.

So… conservative families… need say more?

Statistically, they are very strict and have an authoritarian household system.

Literally, like every Asian classmate I’ve met, like not just East Asia, but also like Southeast Asia and South Asia, by the way they all describe it, it all sounds similar in terms of authoritarianism of their household.

I’m in a shower of my own tears

Edit: Lmfao, nice modlog.

Archived just in case: https://archive.ph/u8CMA