"How do I find friends?" is the most common question German influencers get asked on social media. Loneliness has become a pressing issue in Germany, with far-reaching consequences.
People nowadays seem to forget that socialising is a skill. And to learn a skill one must learn by putting effort into and initially failing a lot.
Social platforms give the sensation of allowing one to skip this by jumping straight into ongoing conversations for a brief post, but that’s also not building any social skill.
There’s no place to socialize though. I wouldn’t know where I could meet people my age (20s) that doesn’t cost money or includes activities that I don’t like (e.g. clubbing).
honestly as much as I feel similarly, it hurts me to know people your age are struggling in such a way.
My 20s were filled with opportunity, things to do, and it didn’t even break the bank. My university had a bar connected to the building, I think pints of alright beer were about £1.50.
I really hope things get better soon. Y’all should at least have the options of things like I did, yet half the things around me closed down or are priced out of range now!
There are so many places that cost nothing or very little, especially in Germany. Don’t get into the doomer mindset that is so prevalent on the internet, that tell you that it’s the same suburban car infested shithole that is north america. There are so many clubs (Vereine) that struggle to find new members, but you’re right that you often won’t meet too many people around your age, it’s mostly older people and children, but that also depends on what the club is for. Be the change you want to see in the world.
I mean, everything got more expensive. And I do hear that more and more youth centres and such are closing down, taking away places to socialise for young people in particular.
What has disappeared for me personally though is school/uni as a place to socialise at. I’ve never had the need before to search out specific places to meet people. It just happened organically. Now I don’t even know where I‘d even find new people. I’m stuck with just the few I knew back in school and uni and they mostly don’t live anywhere close by.
I can’t speak for wherever the original commentator ist from. In Germany most youth centres were partly or completely volunteer run. There are fewer people volunteering today, so the centres don’t find enough people to open up or supervise events/gatherings. And at some point then they’re closing forever.
On that note, looking for a volunteer group near you is also an awesome way to socialise.
Just some personal anecdotes and comments on the matter.
In my opinion, there appears to be a societal trend towards more egoistical behaviour in people. Whereas in the past, more people strived to work for their greater community and society (at least here in Europe), in the last couple of years American individualism and with that, a more egoistic focus became more prevalent. Many people today wonder why they should give their time freely when they could use it for other interests, paid employment, or (quality) alone time. Even disregarding that some of their hobbies can only be done because others still volunteer their time (sports coaches, etc.).
The “I want to use my spare time for myself” attitude is one of the most heard answers when I am asking people why they won’t join us in volunteer work (be it community work or sports).
I think the more important issue is that that social media, to an extent, acts as a substitute for face-to-face social interaction - you can talk with online strangers, or all those old classmates and college friends who aren’t even living in the same city as you do. Rejection and being awkward sucks, so it’s easy to stick with the inferior substitute, but you’re still missing out on face-to-face interaction, human touch and meeting potential romantic partners.
I have zero money to go out and many formerly free ways to socialize have been commodified beyond my reach. It’s not impossible but it takes a lot more time and effort than it used to.
Why would you require a good socializing skill though?
Making this some requirement doesn’t seem to solve any issue. Just let people be the way they are. They should still be able to have friends.
I am saying that because it seemed to me like you’re implying people need to learn and train their socializing skills, even when it’s not in their nature.
It’s not a requirement per se, but people without social skills make contact with others harder. The proliferation of online “meeting places” lead to the degradation of social skills that is then making people connect more difficult, making everyone lonelier.
You exercise skills to be better at them because it gives you a better life. If you’re bad at socialising it might mean you end up with few friends, and that might make you lonely. So you practise socialising to expand your friend group so you won’t be lonely. It sounds like you prescribe to this weird new age “who you are is amazing and you don’t ever need to do any self improvement! If someone doesn’t like you it’s their problem!” No, sometimes it is in fact your problem. None of us are perfect. We can all improve in many ways.
I don’t think you’re seeing the connection you’re making.
What I’m saying is why should a socializing skill be a requirement to have friends? That is a basic human need, not something you should have to exercise for.
The same reason being nice to people makes them like you. That’s how humans work. If you’re mean to people they won’t like you. If you’re boring, people don’t find you interesting. If you say inappropriate things, they won’t like it. If your jokes suck, they won’t find you funny. We aren’t born perfectly socialised and wonderful human beings. We learn to become well integrated and liked by others. It’s a critical part of human development.
This is where idealism and reality conflict. It would be lovely if we were born as perfect creatures and everyone liked us. Many people are quite socially gifted. Many of us are not (and I include myself). We can’t force others to like us or spend time with us, so we are forced to work on ourselves and become better. Nicer. Friendlier. Funnier. More interesting. Better at listening. More empathetic. Etc.
And I posit that being nice or working on yourself, being funnier, etc. don’t make people like you any more. That is not something that matters to most people. They’ll dislike you regardless of character, speech, looks or personality.
I learned that skill but socializing has become too cumbersome in today‘s social landscape where almost everyone is either online on an app that doesn‘t incentivize equal relationships (Think Instagram, Youtube, TikTok) or busy hustling and making insane posts on LinkedIn. Just meeting up is something nobody does anymore it seems.
People nowadays seem to forget that socialising is a skill. And to learn a skill one must learn by putting effort into and initially failing a lot.
Social platforms give the sensation of allowing one to skip this by jumping straight into ongoing conversations for a brief post, but that’s also not building any social skill.
There’s no place to socialize though. I wouldn’t know where I could meet people my age (20s) that doesn’t cost money or includes activities that I don’t like (e.g. clubbing).
honestly as much as I feel similarly, it hurts me to know people your age are struggling in such a way.
My 20s were filled with opportunity, things to do, and it didn’t even break the bank. My university had a bar connected to the building, I think pints of alright beer were about £1.50.
I really hope things get better soon. Y’all should at least have the options of things like I did, yet half the things around me closed down or are priced out of range now!
There are so many places that cost nothing or very little, especially in Germany. Don’t get into the doomer mindset that is so prevalent on the internet, that tell you that it’s the same suburban car infested shithole that is north america. There are so many clubs (Vereine) that struggle to find new members, but you’re right that you often won’t meet too many people around your age, it’s mostly older people and children, but that also depends on what the club is for. Be the change you want to see in the world.
Has that changed over the years? Have such places and activities disappeared or gone up in price?
I mean, everything got more expensive. And I do hear that more and more youth centres and such are closing down, taking away places to socialise for young people in particular.
What has disappeared for me personally though is school/uni as a place to socialise at. I’ve never had the need before to search out specific places to meet people. It just happened organically. Now I don’t even know where I‘d even find new people. I’m stuck with just the few I knew back in school and uni and they mostly don’t live anywhere close by.
Is that due to austerity or something else?
I can’t speak for wherever the original commentator ist from. In Germany most youth centres were partly or completely volunteer run. There are fewer people volunteering today, so the centres don’t find enough people to open up or supervise events/gatherings. And at some point then they’re closing forever.
On that note, looking for a volunteer group near you is also an awesome way to socialise.
Any hunch as to why there’s fewer volunteers today?
Just some personal anecdotes and comments on the matter.
In my opinion, there appears to be a societal trend towards more egoistical behaviour in people. Whereas in the past, more people strived to work for their greater community and society (at least here in Europe), in the last couple of years American individualism and with that, a more egoistic focus became more prevalent. Many people today wonder why they should give their time freely when they could use it for other interests, paid employment, or (quality) alone time. Even disregarding that some of their hobbies can only be done because others still volunteer their time (sports coaches, etc.).
The “I want to use my spare time for myself” attitude is one of the most heard answers when I am asking people why they won’t join us in volunteer work (be it community work or sports).
That makes sense. Thanks for the anecdote!
Fewer* people
Thanks, I need to practice my English skills a bit. I’m getting rusty.
Rusty you say? 🦀
I think the more important issue is that that social media, to an extent, acts as a substitute for face-to-face social interaction - you can talk with online strangers, or all those old classmates and college friends who aren’t even living in the same city as you do. Rejection and being awkward sucks, so it’s easy to stick with the inferior substitute, but you’re still missing out on face-to-face interaction, human touch and meeting potential romantic partners.
I have zero money to go out and many formerly free ways to socialize have been commodified beyond my reach. It’s not impossible but it takes a lot more time and effort than it used to.
Why would you require a good socializing skill though? Making this some requirement doesn’t seem to solve any issue. Just let people be the way they are. They should still be able to have friends.
It’s interesting that you oppose “being yourself” to “socializing skills”…
I am saying that because it seemed to me like you’re implying people need to learn and train their socializing skills, even when it’s not in their nature.
No no. They only have to, if they want to live in society. If they are fine on their own, there’s no need.
If they want to live in society, training is actually the best way to do something that is not “in your nature”.
It’s not a requirement per se, but people without social skills make contact with others harder. The proliferation of online “meeting places” lead to the degradation of social skills that is then making people connect more difficult, making everyone lonelier.
In my opinion at least.
You exercise skills to be better at them because it gives you a better life. If you’re bad at socialising it might mean you end up with few friends, and that might make you lonely. So you practise socialising to expand your friend group so you won’t be lonely. It sounds like you prescribe to this weird new age “who you are is amazing and you don’t ever need to do any self improvement! If someone doesn’t like you it’s their problem!” No, sometimes it is in fact your problem. None of us are perfect. We can all improve in many ways.
I don’t think you’re seeing the connection you’re making. What I’m saying is why should a socializing skill be a requirement to have friends? That is a basic human need, not something you should have to exercise for.
The same reason being nice to people makes them like you. That’s how humans work. If you’re mean to people they won’t like you. If you’re boring, people don’t find you interesting. If you say inappropriate things, they won’t like it. If your jokes suck, they won’t find you funny. We aren’t born perfectly socialised and wonderful human beings. We learn to become well integrated and liked by others. It’s a critical part of human development.
This is where idealism and reality conflict. It would be lovely if we were born as perfect creatures and everyone liked us. Many people are quite socially gifted. Many of us are not (and I include myself). We can’t force others to like us or spend time with us, so we are forced to work on ourselves and become better. Nicer. Friendlier. Funnier. More interesting. Better at listening. More empathetic. Etc.
That is a different field from social skills.
And I posit that being nice or working on yourself, being funnier, etc. don’t make people like you any more. That is not something that matters to most people. They’ll dislike you regardless of character, speech, looks or personality.
I learned that skill but socializing has become too cumbersome in today‘s social landscape where almost everyone is either online on an app that doesn‘t incentivize equal relationships (Think Instagram, Youtube, TikTok) or busy hustling and making insane posts on LinkedIn. Just meeting up is something nobody does anymore it seems.